Why I will probably never get married and why does it cause tears and a sinking feeling in my heart. For some reason, I’ve wanted to be in a marriage for a long time and nothing! I want it too bad and I know it. I see people with their spouse and it brings tears to my eyes. Not because im sad for them, it’s because im sad for me. For a while I thought maybe I was being punished for some reason. Thought that since I wasn’t raised by either parent no one would want me, because it felt like they didnt. It’s funny how you can do everything you think a wife would do and still you’re not a wife. Some people don’t want to be married, as for me, I do. I want a healthy marriage with the man I love or will soon love. I am starting to lose hope. I have now set a year to stop focusing on it. When I’m 40. I’m so exhausted at the idea of wanting someone to fall in love with only me and me be in love with them the same way. Guess I have a Marriage time clock.
When you’re a mother, you try to fix any and everything when it comes to your child. You pray a mile a minute, when your child is not feeling 100%. You are their biggest cheerleader when they are in performance mode. BUT! When it comes down to stepping a side and letting GOD take it, you don’t know what to do. See some of this stuff is not getting better, not because of GOD. It’s because of us. You’ve done it all, now step back and watch the healer. Watch your parent (GOD) step in and take care of the situation. Yes Father GOD, I will surrender to your Will. Yes LORD, I ask you for the strength and wisdom to release my worries on to you. I TRUST you Father GOD. You have taken care of me and now our child.
You get insurance, but you forfeit going to the doctor or dentist, because it still cost too much. Welcome to the world of deductibles. It is still at a great cost to go see what’s wrong. Hoping nothing serious, but considering you’re not a doctor, you have no clue. So you find the cheapest route to see what’s going on. THE INTERNET! You start to look up each symptom and now you have diagnosed yourself silly. You have physicidarwrgia! What the hell is that? I don’t know and you don’t either, but now your nervous and in tears. All of this because you have not met your deductible yet. The insurance companies should be ashamed of themselves.
Waiting for a Position, that I was qualified to get. Waited a whole month and still didn’t get it. Went to my supervisor as I was told, not thinking that I was talking to the devil. A snake appears and I don’t realize the sign, now why would she betray me, i’m told to read between the lines. If I applied for it, why would you do the same. Why would she betray me, why didn’t I recognize the game. Oh go for it, you should try it, but then all the time, she goes behind my back. As soon as I apply, you apply too, the third time I try, you didn’t know what to do, so guess who applies. YOU!
It’s funny how the people that are supposed to love you are the ones who hurt you the most. They never care that you are already stressed out, that they continuously cause you pain and heartache. No it is about them, it is about what they can get out of the deal, how it makes them feel. So how do you cope, you are dealing with people who tell you they have your back, in the end they don’t, they only say that to see what they can get from you. No one cares about you, they think you are a professional victim.
Being passed up for that Promotion, being stuck in the same position. Disrespected, not appreciated or maybe they just won’t speak. Maybe they are Color Blind. Just maybe they see your skin before they see you. Maybe your experience means nothing, your degree was a waste of time. The fact that you are a Business Owner is a joke. Or it’s the fact that you take care of your responsibilities, is actually not okay. Isn’t it a shame, that some people think you may not be the correct color for what is rightfully yours. They are Color Blind. Blind to the fact that your skin color should NEVER be a factor.
A Pattern can be a comfortable position that you thought was best for you at the time. Being comfortable in a Pattern can ruin your life. For relationships, the pattern of allowing things to happen just because you have become accustom to them can be an overwhelming feeling. The Pattern of abuse, the pattern of being judged, the pattern of not waiting until marriage can be a preconditioned circumstance that you are being set up for, by living within a pattern of things. Oh wow, the person you are dating or married to is great so you think, they aren’t everything on our list, but we have no one else. We have become comfortable in this pattern of not wanting to be alone. Oh everyone else is married, why not me? Sometimes it’s due to us not going against the pattern of the norm.